Teach a Child to Ask Questions
Julia Mallory
“If you teach a child to ask questions, they will become an adult who will find solutions”
Certainly, when dealing with culture there are no absolutes; however there are often enough of observable situations to arrive at an uniform understanding about a particular idea. “If you teach a child to ask questions, they will become an adult who will find solutions”, is based on my “aha” moment that recognizes the need for a balance of authority in African-American (AA) parenting styles and how AA parents actually place their children at a disadvantage by minimizing their critical thinking skills by adapting a philosophy of “speak when spoken to” communication also known as “a child should be seen and not heard” and often enforcing this philosophy with corporal punishment. This reflection will utilize personal history as well as acknowledge theory from Dr. Joy Leary’s “Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome” (PSST) ideology and the work of sociologist Annette Lareau, author of Unequal Childhoods.
The first step in my enlightenment was being exposed to Dr. Joy Leary’s “Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome” (PSST) ideology. I first had the opportunity to view a taped lecture and then actually meet her in person and purchase her book. PSST is based on the premise that AAs as a whole have not fully dealt with the trauma from slavery that has been passed down generationally through our families. I remember listening to Dr. Leary and being fascinated how many times things are hidden in plain sight and how because we often unconsciously pass through life, we limit our ability to challenge conventional wisdom. I was most fascinated about her PSST theory as it related to parenting styles in the AA community. As a child I remember observing many of the behaviors that she discussed and even being the recipient of some of them. The one that most fascinated me was the rate at which I observed many AA mothers belittle their children in the presence of others and also how many AA mothers were very strict with regard to their children’s behavior in public. Certainly, this is not to say that I have not observed White parents expecting their children to be well-behaved out in public, but I have not seen White parents act as severely as if their life depending on their children being well-behaved. For example as a child and even to this day, I remember seeing White children who were given the freedom to be playful and mischievous in public, however, AA children were and are often threatened physically and verbally if they do not adhere to strict social behavior guidelines.
However, Dr. Leary theorizes that this style often seen in AA parents, particular AA mothers relates back to slavery when a mother would demean her child in front of the slave master to eliminate the slave master’s interest in her child either sexually or by way of selling the child. For example, the slave master may say “John is getting strong” and the mother would say “Nah suh, he’s dumb can barely lift anything, he don’t take too good to directions, he’s slow-footed”. Furthermore, with regard to the child’s behavior, it was seen best that the mother discipline her child as opposed to the discipline being left to the slave master or overseer who could potentially kill the child.
In addition to Dr. Leary’s PSST theory, another layer is that AA mothers have adopted a philosophy of “a child should be seen and not heard”. Dr. Leary theorizes that this philosophy was adapted based on a enslaved mother’s need to protect her child because if a child was out of sight (out of mind) it might protect them from being exploited. Furthermore, this theory coincides with Annette Lareau’s theory on the parenting style differences among classes. Although her book Unequal Childhoods is full of rich findings, I am particularly interested in the differences she notes centered on communication styles among classes. For example, with AAs of a lower socioeconomic status Lareau notes a more authoritative style of communication. There is little room for a child to question an adult and often children are expected to “speak when spoken to”. Lareau contrasts this with White families where children are often allowed to address would be elders by their first name and challenge authority. Lareau assists the reader in arriving at the conclusion that although AAs parenting style might lend to raising respectful children it does not raise children who are able to effectively communicate or fully utilize critical thinking skills later in life which places them at a disadvantage when they share space with individuals who do not doubt their sense of entitlement to be heard, challenge authority or analyze a situation critically. Furthermore, this also relates to theory from The Wolf Shall Dwell with the Lamb… in which author Eric H. F. Law expounds on Geert Hoftstede’s theory of cultural power distance. The AA culture is one of High Power Distance. It is as if an unspoken rule is “you do not challenge authority, period”. It often feels as if some AAs feel as if they will hold on to as much respect as possible because they believe that the world as a whole does not respect them.
To solidify my level of understanding, I will expound upon my personal context. My father and mother were different as night. My father was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and was well versed on many topics and enjoyed the quest for knowledge. He also served in the Vietnam War and because of his military service, was able to travel and see other parts of the world outside of the United States. My mother was raised in Marion, Alabama which is about an hour from Birmingham and her level of education attainment was not beyond that of junior high. These differences, especially with regard to their approach to parenting were exceptionally different.
My parents raised me to be respectful of my elders and everyone was referred to as either as “Mister” or “Miss”. As a child I was frequently praised because of my outward displays of manners and respect. Yet, that is where the similarities in parenting styles ceased. My father frequently challenged me intellectually and expected me to reciprocate. Early on, it was understood that I was not to accept his or any one’s word on a matter. I was to arrive at my own conclusions, but only once I was confident enough that I had enough of information on which to base a sound decision. However my mother was not interested in intellectual curiosity. A child was to know their place and it definitely was not in “grown folks” business. With my mother, I was not to ask questions nor was I to challenge her authority. It was an understood that “because I said so” was the ruling philosophy that she adapted. Also, with my mother and other adults in my family, children and adults did not mingle. Children were to stay out of the vicinity when adults were socializing or as many people in my culture say “stay in child’s place”. If a child broke any of these rules, consequences could result in physical punishment and as a child I was the recipient of a “whupping” or two.
This parenting style, for decades, has had often afforded African-American families with praise of raising respectful children who are mannerable and respectful of adults and authority. However, I have witnessed has this is not conducive for the growth and development of AA children. For starters, if a child is frequently told that they are not to ask questions, they do exactly that, they do not ask questions which stunts their intellectual curiosity (“Why should I be concerned enough to ask questions that will only be ignored”). Secondly, it produces a sense of insecurity, as others may display more self-assuredness or entitlement. Thirdly, I also think it limits personal accountability as one may begin to think that all the important decisions will be made by those in power which also relates back to the theory of cultural power distance (“I do not need to think critically because others will tell me what is important“).
Certainly, solutions to this issue cannot be achieved in a brief amount of time. However, to be truthful, I am not certain where the solution begins. Part of it may be resolved in finding a culturally competent way to reach AA families, particularly AA mothers with various parenting techniques. I know that AA mothers have been criticized for “whupping” their children; however, I don’t think many AAs know how this behavior originated. It is just something that has been unconsciously passed down. Furthermore, AA mothers are just like other mothers, they love their children and want them to be successful in life and perhaps if awareness was raised on how certain behaviors stunt their children’s growth and development, efforts would be made to alter their parenting styles.
“Successful parenting begins with recognizing what to throw away and what to keep”
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